Growing up, my parents instilled confidence in me. They taught me to want to be the best and do the best in everything I was involved in. They taught me to be a reflection of God. They also taught me to finish anything I started, but that's a totally different conversation. I was very competitive, and I would strive to excel in everything that I did. This is a quality that has definitely stuck with me until this day, but there was one little incident that happened that changed me from being confident to being insecure. It's amazing what words can do to a soul.
For several summers while we were in high school, I would go to the beach, Myrtle Beach in fact, with a very dear friend of mine. We are still friends to this day. We were both cheerleaders, very well known in our hometown, and had tons of friends. While in Myrtle Beach, we stayed at a camping resort called Ocean Lakes. We had a blast!!! Ocean Lakes had a little strip of road that all of the teenagers would cruise around on in their golf carts. Yep. Cruisin' in the golf carts. It was so much fun! We saw some cute guys, so we pulled the cart over to talk to them. As we were standing there, one of the guys said to my friend, "You look hot! But, her. Yuck!" And made this nasty face like he was disgusted with the way I looked. That was it for me. That was the statement that took my confidence and shot it all to hell. Why? Why did I let this statement and face that this silly guy made make me take a lifetime of confidence and throw it out the window? Maybe, it was because I was in my vulnerable teenage years? Then after my teenage years, why didn't I get over it?
After that day, it was a constant comparison game. Physical looks, parenting skills, career, clothes, it didn't matter. From my standpoint, I wasn't good enough. Throughout college, everyone was so gorgeous. Clemson was filled with beautiful people. College of Charleston had one amazing looking person after the next. Where did I fit in? I did date in college, and I did find my soul mate at College of Charleston, who constantly doted on me and still does to this day, but I still couldn't get past the insecurity that I was just not going to be as good as the people around me. I had stopped being good at being ME. What happened to all of those great qualities that made me the person that I had been? I couldn't even go onto Facebook and not compare myself to others. I would ask myself, "What is that person doing to look so young?" or "How in the world is that family so happy?" Seeing everyone else's posts made me think I was the only person not living the "dream". What I couldn't see past is that most of the people are just like me. They just don't want anyone to know that life isn't so perfect. That's why I just post my life. I post the truth. Do I have a 4 year old little boy that keeps me on my toes. ABSOLUTELY! Do I get frustrated with my sassy 11 year old, Allie? You better believe it! Do I have a 9 year old princess who still refuses to eat A LOT of different foods, like she's 3 years old? I sure do! Do my husband and I argue? Yes, we do! We are two completely different people with two completely different opinions about certain issues. Can we agree to disagree? Sometimes. I'm still working on this one. Travis is good at it. Did I go to a counselor to see why I felt insecure and not good enough (after refusing to go for so long)? I did, and she was great! Am I the absolute definition of "organzied chaos"? I am! If you walk into my office, you would think I was insane, but I know where everything is. And studies have shown that a messy desk is a sign of genius.
Recently, I have been reading the book "Looking For Lovely" by Annie F. Downs. I have loved every minute of reading this book. It shows us that even though we have these crazy insecurites, God is with us on every step of our journey. There are scriptures connected to every chapter. While I've been reading this amazing book, which I would recommend to everyone, especially women, it made me step back and look at why I felt all of these insecurities.
1. Being Competitive: Being competitive is a great thing. In fact, it's healthy to a certain extent. My competitiveness was not healthy. I wanted so desperately to be THE BEST at absolutely everything that I would become angry or down on myself for not "winning". Now, during college football season, it's okay to be really competitive, and cheer for your team! GO CLEMSON!!!
2. Take Constructive Criticism as Constructive, NOT destructive: 99% of the time people are giving you constructive criticism to help you improve something that is going on in your life. They are not out to destroy us. But, I will admit, I still struggle with this one. Every time I get any form of criticism, I am very hard on myself and get a little put out. I have to work really hard to make sure I take this as, most of the time, someone trying to be helpful.
3. Don't Always Believe What You See: Many times, when things seem to being going ridiculously well or perfect for someone else, it's not. We are only going by what we see on the outside. Other people are struggling just like we are in some facet of life or another. I'm going to tell you, I've absolutely love Jen Hatmaker! If you follow her, then you know what you see is what you get. I've seen her post pictures of her house, and guess what, it's not completely clean. She has kids. There's stuff laying around. She is true to life. So why do we put on these facades that are not really who we are? I don't post everything that is going on in my life, well because everything is not everyone's business, but you can be dern skippy that if I post something, it's because I'm showing y'all that my life is far from perfect. It's perfect for me, but we have our struggles and craziness, too. There are more days than not that I have to remind my 9 year old, Lizzie, to comb her hair and brush her teeth. It makes me want to pull my hair out, but that's my life, and of course there are frustrating areas, but I love it and embrace it.
When I was thinking about this post, all I could think of is that kids' song from the early 80's, "He's still working on me, to make me what I'm going to be." So when we get anxious, or insecure, or lost, or frustrated with our lives in general, I have a couple favorite Bible verses that I like to refer to, and believe me, it's on a daily basis...
-- Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
-- Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
2 Corinthians 3:17 (this is also one of my favorite songs to sing with our praise team at church)
Embrace who God made you to be!!!! Now, go out there, and be the best YOU!!!!
Isn't it interesting that I probably compared myself to you a time or two in high school and never would have guessed you felt insecure? Very relatable blog, ironic that so many of us go around feeling insecure in comparison to others who are actually busy feeling insecure themselves...
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