Disclaimer: In writing all of this, I am not saying that I do not want to work. I am saying that I would like to be in a position to be better for God and for my family. And, I'm also struggling with the issue of is this God trying to tell me I need to go in a different direction, or is this Satan telling me lies. The struggle is real!
Each morning, my alarm goes off at 5:30 and at 5:45 (I'm not going to lie. I set two alarms because I am so tired in the mornings). As I stumble around to get ready for the day, all I can think about is how much sleep I'm not getting and how tired I am. Now, what should be running through my head is how thankful I am that God has chosen to give me another day here on this earth. If my husband or kids speak to me before there's an adequate amount of "wake up" time or coffee, I snap at them and am so cranky. Like the "Walking Dead" zombies or those zombies in "World War Z". Things have to be timed just right in the mornings. If they are not, I am late for work. So, once I'm ready and have made sure my 4 year old stays on the straight path for the door (thank goodness for my husband who gets our little boy dressed each morning!), because we have detours nearly every morning, we are out the door before 7:00 am. Yes, this means he is at school around 7:20 every morning so that I can be at work by 7:30. So basically, I get into my car feeling drained and guilty, and the day hasn't really even gotten started yet. My husband takes my girls to school, which is a complete blessing! There is joy in the car ride to take Luke to school. We do get to talk about his friends and how he is going to work really hard to be on the green smiley face for the day, not yellow or red. The daycare he is in is great! It is actually a part of our church, and the kids that attend the pre-K program there are nearly 100% ready for kindergarten. But, the down side to this (there's always two sides) is that leaving him there is torture! He is there nearly 10 hours of the day. He begs me not to leave him there every morning, and there are more days than not that he is crying for me to take him home. There are so many days, especially in the last few months, that I just want to get up, even if it is at 5:45, make breakfast for my family, enjoy my family, then take each of my kids to school. Then, I would like to be able to come back to the house, and get things ready for the rest of our day, like prepping for dinner, and gathering things for soccer or piano practice. Right now, I leave the house before 7 a.m., and most nights, do not enter the door, again, until after 8 pm. Now, I could tell my kids no more extracurricular activities (which they are really good at all of them and enjoy them), but I would go from being an "okay mom" to just being a flat out "crappy mom". My kids are already letting me know that they want more time with me. And let's face it, when I am with them, I'm zoned out, not really listening to the actual important things they have to tell me because I'm mentally drained. I used to make excuses and defend my reasons for having other things to do, but now, to me, those are no longer valid reasons. It just seems flat out selfish!! My kids are growing up fast. There are so many things that I'm missing or that my mind isn't present for even if my body is.
All of these things also apply to my husband, not just my kids. He deserves to have the best of me, also. There are so many days I would rather just come home, take a bath, and go lay down in the bed and go to sleep. Now, I do not do this, but at the same time, my brain is asleep instead of giving him some undivided attention. So, when he is trying to tell me something or talk about something, my mind is drifting to other places. And, it's not that I don't want to listen to what he has to say. I actually do. I hear him talking, but there are so many times that I'm just not listening. Why? Because, again, I'm mentally zoned out. So am I being a Proverbs 31 wife? Am I following my directions from God? No. I'm not. If you read Proverbs 31: 10-31, it speaks of a wife that is worth far more than rubies. Nope. Not a jewel of any kind right now. It also mentions how "she brings him good, not harm". I'm not making him miserable, but I don't want to ever put him in a position where I feel like I'm bringing him down. Now, in verse 17, it speaks of a vigorous worker, which I am vigorous, but at this point, I'm not joyful in my work. In verse 15, it talks about providing food for her family. Well, unless it's fast food (not all the time, but a lot), I'm slacking there, too. My body is present for my family, going through the motions, but I want my brain to be there, too. I'm missing some really good moments and conversations.
Supper? Who gets to fix supper? Well, three out of five days last week, Jason's Deli fixed supper for us, because I didn't have the time to do it. I need to change that last statement. I had time to do it. At 8:00 at night, which means we would eat around 9:00 or 9:30, and the kids might be in bed by 10:30 or 11:00. That's not fair to my kids or my kids' teachers due to the fact that they would be cranky little monsters the next day. In order to help lighten the food load, this week, I fixed a couple of meals at the beginning of the week for us to eat throughout the week, except on Wednesday nights. That is our actual "eat out" night.
On to the next subject...my job. I love what I do, for the most part. What I really love is the students! I love the fact that they love coming to my class everyday. I also love the people I work with. What I do not enjoy is the "new" extended school day, the extra meetings, and the other million and a half things that come along with it. There was an article posted by moultrie.com that had teachers say why they wanted to leave the profession of teaching. It's called "Teacher to Parent - Why Teachers Leave". It hit the nail on the head. Every stitch of it was true. There are so many days where teachers daily lives are consumed by school stuff. So where do our actual families fit in? Or anything in our personal lives for that matter? Many teachers are at the schools for 12 plus hours trying to make sure lesson plans are finished, testing strategies are put in place, data charts are visible, meetings, paperwork, documentations, more paperwork, accommodations are being put into place, along with modifications. Not only that, we have to document for each child with these specific accommodations. We have to make sure we are writing down and showing that we are using each one listed. Now, think about this. Enrichment teachers (PE, music, and art) see every child in the school, and must document for all those with accommodations. Seem crazy yet?
My relationships with my friends suffer because I'm so dadgum tired that instead of finding time to get together with them, I honestly want to go home, lay down, and go to sleep. I love spending time with my friends and will go when I am invited places, but it has been a long time since I have organized any type of dinner with them. It's been a long time since I have put for the effort. It's me. I haven't put forth the effort that needs to be there to make these lasting friendships.
This is just my journey and my experience at this point in my life. Maybe, I'm going through a mid-life crisis :). Or maybe, God has something else in store for me. Or, maybe, I'm already doing what He wants me to do, I just need to find my joy in it again.
So where do us struggling mom's, wives, friends go to when we are feeling like we are in the belly of the whale, and we aren't sure which directions we are being led? I go to God. He is my saving grace because I need it hundreds of times a day. He is the ultimate healer. He is my rock and my foundation. He tells us in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He has plans for us. Ultimate amazing plans, if we give Him the chance to work in us and through us. Where does that leave me? Well, God is working on me right now. At this point, I may not have it all figured out, but I know He does.
